Regret

       I grasped the blindingly white dixie cup with displeasure. Within its contents sat a liquid resembling something like that of kitten blood. Lazily the drink rested, as if it were a fat lady after a long power walk. I drew the cup nearer to my nostrils and bravely took a whiff. A pungent smell awaited me, it was: mouldy, old, dry and offensive. Oh boy. Making the mistake of my life I took a swig of the beverage. It tasted as if I were spending a Friday night with my grandmother doing sudoko and putting puzzles together. God I despise her. The beverages personality then coincidentally took shape. The punch was boring and lazy, never in its life had it picked up a football. Harnessing all of my senses I began to hear something off in the distance. It was my mother nagging at me to take out the garbage. Did this drink have an upside? Then it got worse. My skin began to crawl as if spiders were meandering on me freely. The drink defeated me, it was an ogre with a hammer. I collapsed the cup within my grasp swiftly, it crumpled like my dignity. Throwing the cup in the garbage I breathed out a sigh of relief, the agony was over.

I am Legend

       I am the pinnacle of awesomeness, the saviour of societies and the destroyer of evil. I once failed at something so I killed myself. Pokémon? I caught them all yesterday. Adolph Hitler’s last sight was my beaming smile. On occasion I take my dog out for dinner.

In Soviet Russia I drive the car, it doesn’t drive me. I won the Masters with a hockey stick, and went bar down five times, my new name is Golf-Cart. My cat uses the toilet and I use the litter box. When I was a janitor I solved impossibly complex mathematical equations after school hours. And yes that is Good Will Hunting, its based on yours truly. I steal things.

Oprah Winfrey is in my fan club. The sky was once purple, because I said it was. Whitney Houston died because she couldn’t handle my power. At chess. I speak eighty-four languages, including alien, but none of which are English. Chuck Norris is my goldfish. I’m the only guy who has had an affair with Tiger Woods.


I am a hero. Guess who saves Superman? The Hulk is green, but I am greener. My excess gas smells like roses. I do not like roses. Saving the universe is my day job, and people often refer to me as God. Crosswalks terrify me. I am older than time and wiser then all. I have accomplished everything fathomable, yet I have not been to University.