I am the pinnacle of awesomeness, the saviour of societies and the destroyer of evil. I once failed at something so I killed myself. Pokémon? I caught them all yesterday. Adolph Hitler’s last sight was my beaming smile. On occasion I take my dog out for dinner.
In Soviet Russia I drive the car, it doesn’t drive me. I won the Masters with a hockey stick, and went bar down five times, my new name is Golf-Cart. My cat uses the toilet and I use the litter box. When I was a janitor I solved impossibly complex mathematical equations after school hours. And yes that is Good Will Hunting, its based on yours truly. I steal things.
Oprah Winfrey is in my fan club. The sky was once purple, because I said it was. Whitney Houston died because she couldn’t handle my power. At chess. I speak eighty-four languages, including alien, but none of which are English. Chuck Norris is my goldfish. I’m the only guy who has had an affair with Tiger Woods.
I am a hero. Guess who saves Superman? The Hulk is green, but I am greener. My excess gas smells like roses. I do not like roses. Saving the universe is my day job, and people often refer to me as God. Crosswalks terrify me. I am older than time and wiser then all. I have accomplished everything fathomable, yet I have not been to University.
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